Heartbreak and miracles...

Some of you may know that we have been undergoing the frozen embryo transfer (FET) the past three months.  It took a few months full of medications, injections and lots of craziness from those medications and injections (David has a crazy for a wife during these times, but he is a trooper and loves me anyway).  The first major hurdle was making sure all the medications helped to produce a 'warm cushy womb' (as Abby calls it).  On September 5 I had my ultrasound and all looked perfect.  Then another weeks wait and the next hurdle was the thawing out of our beautiful little chillins'.  The plan was to arrive at the clinic at 10am and they would start the thaw about 3 hours before.  I can't even convey the anxiety of this...will they make it?  will they be too degraded to use?  We arrived early and were sent back to the procedure room where I undressed and got in the super cute hospital gown at 9:30am.  Then we sat there....and sat there.  The doctor finally came in and told us both of our embryos survived and we would be able to transfer them.  Done and done in about 20 minutes.  Then I laid there (a little more calm thanks to the Valium they give all the patients...I guess they've come to realize we are all crazy women by the time of transfer).  Then I laid flat in the back of the car until we got back to Logan.  Then about 3 days bedrest...with amazing family helping out with Adam since I couldn't lift the little guy (torture for me).  I have always been very much against taking a home pregnancy test when doing IVF so I wasn't going to.  Then one night I found two unused tests in my bathroom basket.  I figured what the heck.  On Monday, September 19 I looked at it in amazement!  Two lines!  I pretty much felt that it was our new miracle and called and told everyone, although I knew there was a chance that anything could happen since it was so early in the pregnancy.  Two days later, another test, two days later, another test.  Then on Friday I had a blood test and my hcg was 70 (anything over 5 is positive for pregnancy), the next Monday my hcg was 157 and even though it was good, they had hoped to see higher.  Wednesday the call came and it was 105.  A drop like that usually only means a miscarriage.  And today it dropped to 35.  We lost our beautiful snowbabies.  So much joy to so much sadness in such a short amount of time.  I think I cried from the time I got the call until I went in this morning for my blood draw.  It was good though.  I have a close friend whose hcg levels would go up but not much to doing great and back to not good for 4 weeks.  It was a roller-coaster of emotions that no one deserves to have to ride.  I am very grateful that our pregnancy did not result in that sort of emotional strain.  I do not feel I am strong enough to handle it.  I can barely face the fact I just spent 3 months preparing for pregnancy just to get pregnant and lose it.  My hear goes out to every woman who has lost a child.  Even though I had to do so much to my body and spend so much money to even get the slight chance of getting pregnant, I know that every woman who has lost a baby feels like a part of themselves have died, too.  My saving grace through all of this is my husband and my little Adam.  I am so lucky for such an amazing man in my life.  I will say it again and again...he is my rock and with him I am never alone.  After my call, I clung to Adam (he wanted to play so he wasn't all about it :)) and just felt like I have a miracle in my arms and I need to remember that.  I still burst into tears here and there, just as any woman would.  I stress out thinking about trying to get the money to try again, but I need to push that aside for now and focus on loving the family that I already have here on earth.  And all of you know, it is a pretty amazing family that I get to be part of.  This loss is beyond devastating, but I know it'll pass and when we are finally able to have a baby, we will know all this pain was worth it in the end.  I just miss the idea of being mom to those two little embryos.  We are heartbroken now, but every minute with our Adam helps us to heal.  We'll get the money.  We'll go through the months and months of preparation time.  I will take each shot like a champ.  David will let me be crazy and one day.  ONE day.  We'll have another miracle.  We know it.  We just know it.  Until then I get to watch these two-I'd say that is a miracle I get to have each and every minute of my life.  I love them.  How can I stay so sad when this is what awaits me?


Lastly, thank you for all the love and support that has been given to us through all of our hardships in this crazy infertility place.  It means so much to us to know we are not alone in our sadness when things go bad and in our immense joy when our miracles occur.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Here are our two little angels who will forever be in our hearts (even if they were only blobs of cells at the time).

 

5 comments:

Kendal and Kendra said...

Loved this post! Thank you for sharing all of it with us. The joy and the pain. You will have more miracles in your life...I just know it. Thinking of you!

Sara Lou said...

We're heartbroken to hear of your little "snow angels". I really admire that you are able to long for the future but not forget the present either. You guys are amazing, truly. We love you.

Katie said...

I am so sorry for your loss my sweet friend. I know the heartache of miscarriage and it's truly painful, but I am confident the Lord had more spirits in heaven waiting to join your family. You're wonderful and you have such a beautiful little family. Love you.

Michelle said...

oh karen, i am so sorry for your loss. thank you for being so open & willing to share your heart on here. you sound like you have more strength than most to hear how you are handling everything.

Kristin said...

Beautiful Karen, this is so brave of you to share. You are in my prayers. Thank you for being such a good friend to me and letting me be part of the past 3 months.

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