Who needs 'em?

I went in to get little man out of his crib and I found him dropping all his sleeping friends on the ground.  He just looked up and smiled.

Anita Mae

Last week my grandmother on my mother's side passed away.  A week before she had suffered a TIA, but recovered really well and was able to go home after a few days to watch her.  I was also able to call her at the hospital to just tell her that we love her and that she is always in our prayers.  Then last week she suffered a major stroke on Wednesday.  This time my mom jumped into her car, came to Salt Lake to get two of her sisters and they drove all night to get to the hospital to see her.  When they got there, Grandma Anita was doing pretty good considering the stroke.  She couldn't open her eyes or talk much, but she was able to communicate other ways to let my mom and her siblings know that she knew they were all there with her.  My mom said it was just beautiful to spend those last moments with her and her husband was also there holding her hand.  They took her to go get another brain scan and by the time she came back from that she was pretty much gone.  The scan showed hemorrhages all over and then it was just time to wait for the inevitable.  She passed quietly and completely surrounded by people who love her.  I can't imagine a better way to pass on.

The services were on October 31 and it was just a joy to hear from everyone who she had touched.  It was a happy occasion knowing that she may be gone from our sight right now, we will be with her again.  We love you Grandma Nita.

I wasn't able to get any photos from the funeral because I had Adam on my lap the whole time.  I hope to get some from my cousins that took a lot.  For now, in my files I have found a few photos from activities with Grandma.  Camping in Yellowstone and Alexis Erwin's Blessing.

Bathtime fun.

Adam and I went to Arizona for my Grandma Anita's funeral on October 31 (I will soon do a post about how amazing the services were).  Our friends, Brad and Jessica, we so very kind to let me and Adam crash their house at the very last minute.  They have an amazing home and I am very sure that anyone who goes in it feels the love that their home has in it.  I wish I had got more photos of the trip, but when you are constantly holding a 9 months wiggly little guy, you don't get the chance to pull out the camera.  I did enjoy watching Brad and Jessica's little guy, Brayden.  He could not be any cuter...dark skin, BIG brown eyes, beautiful lips.  And he is walking!!  A 10 month walker.  I don't know if they see it as a blessing or not!  Just kidding.  I really think Adam might be getting ready to walk on his own, too.  He gets braver everyday with letting things go and trying to walk without things.  He'll usually just stand there and eventually fall. So cute.  I need to get a video of it.  Here are the two adorable boys taking a bath.  They didn't beat on each other too much.

Family photo

Here we are.  Adam was almost 9 months old.

October fun.

This month has just flown by it seems.  We have been loving the cooler weather and watching the all the trees change colors.  Fall is our favorite season but it just goes by so fast.  It will be snowing soon and we are doing our best to get as much time outdoors as possible.  David has been working so hard with school.  It is his second to last semester.  He is so busy I sometimes feel like I am a single mom.  I swear single moms are super heroes.  I only have one baby, who is a really good baby as far as babies go, and I get so tired.  I can't imagine the moms out there that work and raise kids all on their own.  Incredible.  I cannot wait for David to be able to spend more time at home with us.  Whenever Adam sees his daddy, he lights up.  Once daddy is home, I am pretty much chop liver to him.  It's okay though, I love watching those two play together.  Here are some photos of the past month or so.

Adam will tell us he is done eating by putting his hands behind his head and leaning back.  No idea how he picked this up but it is sure cute.

Our make-shift playpen for Adam.  He is a mover now and keeping him out of things is hard work.  He is a smart one though.  He's figured out a few ways to get out when we're not looking.  Stinker.

 Adam is always rolling his toys under things and then tries his best to get them.  It is hilarious to see him.  He'll just lay there with his bum in the air until he gets what he wants.

I love this talk.

It is amazing how General Conference can really speak to my heart.  The question that has been on my mind for the past few weeks can be summed up by Elder Hales, "Why is it that the Son of God and His holy prophets and all the faithful saints have trials and tribulations even when they are trying to do Heavenly Father's will?  Why is it so hard, especially for them?"  I am sure this talk spoke to all of those who struggle with the trials they are given and I know that, for me, this helps to keep a smile on my face knowing that no matter what, me and my family are never forgotten by our Heavenly Father.

Heartbreak and miracles...

Some of you may know that we have been undergoing the frozen embryo transfer (FET) the past three months.  It took a few months full of medications, injections and lots of craziness from those medications and injections (David has a crazy for a wife during these times, but he is a trooper and loves me anyway).  The first major hurdle was making sure all the medications helped to produce a 'warm cushy womb' (as Abby calls it).  On September 5 I had my ultrasound and all looked perfect.  Then another weeks wait and the next hurdle was the thawing out of our beautiful little chillins'.  The plan was to arrive at the clinic at 10am and they would start the thaw about 3 hours before.  I can't even convey the anxiety of this...will they make it?  will they be too degraded to use?  We arrived early and were sent back to the procedure room where I undressed and got in the super cute hospital gown at 9:30am.  Then we sat there....and sat there.  The doctor finally came in and told us both of our embryos survived and we would be able to transfer them.  Done and done in about 20 minutes.  Then I laid there (a little more calm thanks to the Valium they give all the patients...I guess they've come to realize we are all crazy women by the time of transfer).  Then I laid flat in the back of the car until we got back to Logan.  Then about 3 days bedrest...with amazing family helping out with Adam since I couldn't lift the little guy (torture for me).  I have always been very much against taking a home pregnancy test when doing IVF so I wasn't going to.  Then one night I found two unused tests in my bathroom basket.  I figured what the heck.  On Monday, September 19 I looked at it in amazement!  Two lines!  I pretty much felt that it was our new miracle and called and told everyone, although I knew there was a chance that anything could happen since it was so early in the pregnancy.  Two days later, another test, two days later, another test.  Then on Friday I had a blood test and my hcg was 70 (anything over 5 is positive for pregnancy), the next Monday my hcg was 157 and even though it was good, they had hoped to see higher.  Wednesday the call came and it was 105.  A drop like that usually only means a miscarriage.  And today it dropped to 35.  We lost our beautiful snowbabies.  So much joy to so much sadness in such a short amount of time.  I think I cried from the time I got the call until I went in this morning for my blood draw.  It was good though.  I have a close friend whose hcg levels would go up but not much to doing great and back to not good for 4 weeks.  It was a roller-coaster of emotions that no one deserves to have to ride.  I am very grateful that our pregnancy did not result in that sort of emotional strain.  I do not feel I am strong enough to handle it.  I can barely face the fact I just spent 3 months preparing for pregnancy just to get pregnant and lose it.  My hear goes out to every woman who has lost a child.  Even though I had to do so much to my body and spend so much money to even get the slight chance of getting pregnant, I know that every woman who has lost a baby feels like a part of themselves have died, too.  My saving grace through all of this is my husband and my little Adam.  I am so lucky for such an amazing man in my life.  I will say it again and again...he is my rock and with him I am never alone.  After my call, I clung to Adam (he wanted to play so he wasn't all about it :)) and just felt like I have a miracle in my arms and I need to remember that.  I still burst into tears here and there, just as any woman would.  I stress out thinking about trying to get the money to try again, but I need to push that aside for now and focus on loving the family that I already have here on earth.  And all of you know, it is a pretty amazing family that I get to be part of.  This loss is beyond devastating, but I know it'll pass and when we are finally able to have a baby, we will know all this pain was worth it in the end.  I just miss the idea of being mom to those two little embryos.  We are heartbroken now, but every minute with our Adam helps us to heal.  We'll get the money.  We'll go through the months and months of preparation time.  I will take each shot like a champ.  David will let me be crazy and one day.  ONE day.  We'll have another miracle.  We know it.  We just know it.  Until then I get to watch these two-I'd say that is a miracle I get to have each and every minute of my life.  I love them.  How can I stay so sad when this is what awaits me?

Lastly, thank you for all the love and support that has been given to us through all of our hardships in this crazy infertility place.  It means so much to us to know we are not alone in our sadness when things go bad and in our immense joy when our miracles occur.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Here are our two little angels who will forever be in our hearts (even if they were only blobs of cells at the time).

 

Kaira and Lilly's Day-O-Celebration!

Happy Birthday to Kaira and Lilly.  We had a small party for the two birthday girls that included incredibly delicious chicken salad and yummy cake.  Just a few moments that made the day uber-special (including Sox, the sock monkey).

Hot Air Balloon Fun

This past weekend we went to Elko for the Hot Air Balloon Festival they hold every year.  My mom is friends with a hot air balloon pilot and she helps with him set up and also is part of the chase crew.  David was really excited to help set up and was like a little kid in a candy store.  We got up at 5am and it was really really cold that morning.  Poor little Adam was snuggling in his stroller all morning...but as you can see he was a real trooper!  It was a lot of fun.

 

Thank you Grandma Jessie!

Adam's great-grandma Jessie is always making the most adorable things for him.  Yesterday we got this adorable hat in the mail and Adam loves wearing it.  Thank you Grandma Jessie!

Crawling around in towels.

I love this photo, but I didn't get it as in-focus as I would have liked.  So what do you do when you have a cute photo out of focus, just play with the editing to make it look like you did it on purpose.  Here is my sad attempt...I suggest just admiring the cute little man and his adorable face.

Getting so big.

Everyday I am amazed at the new things Adam is learning to do.  Last week he figured out crawling, this week he started to pull himself up on furniture and now is a pro at it.  He has figured out how to use some of his toys and I am just in awe at how smart he is.  I'm sure every mother is as proud of their baby as I am of Adam.  He's brilliant.  I went to get him from his nap today and there he was, standing up waiting for me.  Soon he'll be climbing out of the crib.  I really need to get on baby-proofing the apartment.

Labor Day-o-fun.

We had a lot of fun this past weekend.  Spent lots of time with family and loved every minute of it.  For some reason I didn't get that many photos, but here are the few I did manage to take.  What was I thinking?  I obviously wasn't.  Or I was just having way too much fun.  That is it.

More swinging.

Adam is really loving the swing and I am loving watching him.  He can make the best faces.

This is going way too fast for me.

Adam is getting stronger by the day.  Last week he finally figured out the crawling thing, but before he did that he figured out how to get up on his knees.  He is growing up way too fast for me.  That same day he was making the most adorable faces to the camera.  I know they aren't in focus...they are just so darn cute.